Inspired by Senator Jon Kyl’s dogged insistence on accuracy and fact-finding, the research staff at MuchAdo has meticulously combed through 40+ years of data and analysis to compile the following list of predictions for Super Bowl 2012.
1. Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth will read dozens of promotions for NBC shows like Smash and The Voice and The Biggest Loser with all the enthusiasm of a glossophobic delivering a eulogy.
2. Hardcore fans of both the New York Giants and the New England Patriots will be decidedly more coherent after several cocktails than they were before. This does not include Boston Mayor Tom Menino.
3. Regardless of which team wins, Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady, will spend the next year atoning for making super model wife, Gisele Bundchen, go to Indianapolis. Millions of men across the planet will still wish they were him.
4. Watching Pittsburgh Steelers defensive end, Brett Keisel, shave his beard will be significantly more entertaining than all but three of the $3.5M+ commercials.
5. Dozens of viewers will require medical attention after trying to determine whether Madonna’s plastic surgery, the performers from Cirque du Soleil, or Cee Lo Green’s outfit is the most disturbing part of the Super Bowl halftime show. They will be thankful come Monday morning when they are the only people in America not singing “Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah!” following LMFAO’s performance.
7. You will consider, but ultimately resist, force-feeding Cheez Whiz and Buffalo wings to that one annoying party guest who feels compelled to say, “Isn’t there anything healthy to eat at this party?!?” You will have made the wrong choice.
8. Giants coach Tom Coughlin and Patriots coach Bill Belichick will scowl. A lot. [Ed. Note: In all fairness to the research staff at MuchAdo, coming up with ten whole things isn’t as easy as it seems.]
9. Baltimore Ravens kicker, Billy Cundiff, will spend the entire Super Bowl praying that Patriot’s kicker, Stephen Gostkowski, or Giants kicker, Lawrence Tynes, shank a gimme worse than his AFC Championship gaff so people will stop referring to boneheaded mistakes as “Cundiffs.”
10. Someone will feel compelled to read this blog post aloud at a critical moment during the Super Bowl, and they will be hoisted on the shoulders of their friends and lauded as a hero. Seriously.